


The Dean Winchester Chronicles

by awkwardblogger



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Big Brother Dean, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Goddesses, Homophobic Language, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, John Winchester Bashing, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Rape, Verbal Abuse, cock blocking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2015-01-28
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:20:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2446814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awkwardblogger/pseuds/awkwardblogger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean ends up in a mysterious coma, Bobby and Sam go into dean's memories to look for help. They find more than they expected,</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolog

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Onthelastpage](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onthelastpage/gifts).



> Huge thanks to my editor, Alli. She's the best.

Sam had no idea what to do. Its not everyday, even for a hunter, that a creepy figure you can't see the face of says "Childhood memories are toxic, my dear boy" to your brother two seconds before he hits the ground and goes into a coma. For days, Sam and Bobby have been praying to Cas for help.

"I can't wake him." Cas said with a sigh.  
"Why not? What's wrong with him?!" Bobby demanded.  
"The magic that put him in this coma was by a goddess. I do not possess the power to rid her magic." Castiel explained.  
"Goddess? Why the hell would a goddess speak of Dean's childhood and then put him under?" Sam asked.  
Sam was in a very bad state of mind. Things had been going rather well until now. He had gotten his soul back and things we're going to be okay, and then this shit happened.  
"I believe it was Caireen. She's the patron goddess of children." Castiel said, staring down at Dean's lifeless face.  
"Well, then we should kill her! Kill her, end this damn coma." Bobby said gruffly.  
"That won't work." Cas sighed.  
"Oh, and why the fuck not?" Bobby snared.  
"Because she didn't lay a curse on him. She's trying to heal him." The angel said softly.  
"But there is nothing to heal!" Sam whined.  
"Before she put him into the coma, what exactly did she say?" Castiel demanded.  
"She said something about childhood memories being toxic. Look, why does it matter what she said?" Sam asked.  
"Because the answer to how to fix it lies in Dean." Castiel answered.  
"Well, if you haven't noticed, Dean can't help us right now because he's in a mother fucking coma!" Bobby yelled.  
"You can learn from his memories. If I send you into Dean's memories you could find out why she is doing this." Castiel said quickly.  
"Okay, sounds creepy but I'm game." Bobby said.  
"Me too. What do we look for?" Sam asked.  
"This memory could be horrible to Dean. It will be hard to find because he tries to supress the memory. You'll see his happy memories first, but you must find it." Castiel explained.

Sam and Bobby nodded.  
"How do we enter his memories?" Sam asked.  
"Angel magic." Castiel said gruffly, shaking out his hands and placing them on Bobby and Sam's foreheads.  
Next thing they knew, they were in 1983 in the Winchester household that only Dean remembered as home.

Sam and Bobby landed roughly onto the kitchen floor of Dean's childhood home. Sam could barely believe his eyes when he saw his mother walk towards a small toddler with an infant on her hip.  
"Dean-bean, daddy's coming home early from work so we can go to the park. Mommy has to get dressed, please hold Sammy for me." Mary Winchester said kindly, handing the tiny baby to the toddler.  
"Okay, Mommy." Dean smiled.

Bobby tugged at Sam's sleeve. "C'mon boy, this sure ain't the memory."  
"Bobby, I want to see this. Please." Sam breathed.  
So Bobby didn't push. Mary left Dean with Sammy, some toys in front of them. The infant gave a whimper and began to cry, Dean held Sammy tightly and rocked him.  
"Its okay, Sammy. Mommy will be back soon." Dean whispered, cradling Sammy.  
Sammy started to quiet and began to coo at his big brother. Then, john Winchester walked in.

"Deano! Sammy!" John cheered.  
"Daddy!" Dean cried.  
John scooped both of his sons off of the floor and into his arms. Each child got a kiss on the forehead and then Mary came back in and planted a kiss on her husband.  
Then, WHOOSH!!!!!!!  
They were in another place, Sam saw himself, on stage singing and dancing in "Our Town". Dean was standing, cheering for his brother. The next ten memories were good, Sam and Dean, Sam and Dean. Sometimes they heard Dean's thoughts. Then, they finally got to a bad memory.

Dean couldn't have been older than eleven, and looked frightened. He was talking frantically into an old phone, and when Sam looked around the room he recognized where they were. They were in Little Rock, Arkansas, August 1990. Tiny, seven year old Sam was curled up in a ball, covered in sweat and shivering hard.  
"De, I'm cold." Young Sammy whined before bursting into a coughing fit.  
Sam remembered this vaguely. He had a bad case of pneumonia and Dean took care of him, or so that was all it had been to Sam. Dean had always taken care of Sam.  
"Dad, Sammy's real sick. Please, you gotta come back." Dean exclaimed.  
In their ears, Bobby and Sam could hear the reply that Dean heard through the phone.  
"He'll be fine, stop bothering me. I'll be back in a week." John muttered before dial tone filled their ears.  
Bobby shivered. 'Sounds like John.' He thought to himself as he stared at the eleven year old looking down uneasily at the phone.  
'What do I do?' They heard Dean think. 'Sammy's getting really bad.'  
And he was, the hunters could see Sammy shivering, covered in blankets and sweat, whining and coughing.  
"Deeee!" Sammy whined.  
'Oh god, I can't let Sammy see that I'm upset. Kid doesn't need to see me cry.' Dean's thoughts filled the air.

Sam felt guilty.  
"Fuck, if I'd had known Dean was so frantic-" Bobby cut Sam off.  
"It wasn't your fault Sam. Dean made sure you didn't see how bad things were for him, he didn't want you to grow up as fast as he did." Bobby said softly.  
Sam sighed, watching Dean tip cool water on Sammy's forehead, making the seven year old start crying.  
"Too cold, dean. Cold!" He cried, coughing.  
"It's okay, Sammy. I'm gonna take care of you." Dean promised, giving Sam medicine to help lower the fever.  
Sammy nodded, believing wholeheartedly that his brother would take care of him.


	2. Welcome to my nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As bobby and Sam look to help dean, they learn more.

They went on to another memory, Dean was older, maybe thirteen or fourteen and Bobby could hear his stomach growling. Sam looked around, confused. They were without a doubt in 1992 or 93 if the Kurt Cobain lovers and Nirvana fans everywhere was a clue.

Dean was outside of the motel, holding what used to be a loaf of bread, but was only two slices of bread.  
'Dad hasn't picked up his phone in weeks and we're running out of food. What am I gonna do?' Dean wondered in his head.

"But-but we never went hungry." Sam stammered.  
"You never went hungry." Bobby corrected with a frown.

Dean stepped inside of their motel room and the hunters followed him. Young Sammy was doing homework happily on the motel couch, eating carrot sticks that most people wouldn't eat.  
"Dean, I'm hungry." Sam said, looking up at his brother.  
'Me too.' Dean thought.  
"Yeah, yeah squirt. You're always hungry. C'mere." Dean ushered Sam over and the lanky kid complied.  
Dean took the last two pieces of bread and put cut up pieces of a close to rotting banana and the last of an old jar of peanut butter on the bread, making Sammy a sandwich.

"Here you go Sammy." Dean said, handing over the sandwich.  
"Thanks De!" Sam grinned, taking a bite of the food.  
'God, I'm so fucking hungry.' Dean thought.  
"Aren't you gonna eat?" Little Sammy asked.  
"Nah, had a big lunch." Dean lied easily, ruffling his little brother's hair and plopping down on the couch.  
"You sure Dean? You're getting pretty skinny." The young boy asked in a small voice.  
'Shit, he's noticing.' Dean's brain panicked.  
"Who are you to talk, twig." Dean grumbled. "I'm fine, now do your homework."

"Oh god. He-he went hungry?" Sam choked as the scenery changed.

Dean was running out of the house, the house in Lawrence. They could feel the heat.

"Oh, God." Bobby groaned.  
"Is this the night of the fire?" Sam asked in an unsteady voice.  
Bobby just nodded and offered the boy a smile as he watched a four year old with chubby legs sprint from a house on fire with an infant in his arms. Once outside, Dean stopped and stared at his house.  
"It's okay Sammy. It's gonna be okay." Dean told the unhappy baby.  
They were hoisted into the air, into John's arms as he ran and the house exploded.

Sam got on his knees, puking all over the sidewalk from the memory. He was disgusted that his brother had to carry a baby out of a fire, that a child was given that much responsibility. And he saw right away where Dean became his parent and John stopped being one: right there.

"Sam, you alright boy?" Bobby asked in a concerned voice, kneeling next to the sick man.  
"This happened. This fucking happened." Sam whispered in a horrified voice, ignoring Bobby's question.  
"Sam, c'mon. i know its a tough sight, but we're burning day light." Bobby said softly.  
Sam nodded and they landed in the next memory.  
Dean looked around fifteen and was nursing a black eye. He stood alone, naked in a motel bathroom. He was banged up, covered in bruises, scars, welts, things a kid should never have on him. The only mark on Dean's face was the swollen, purple eye he was gently pressing a washcloth to.

"He had a bad hunt?" Sam suggested, hoping it was true more for himself than Dean. He didn't know how many more bad memories he could take.  
Bobby gave a weak smile as Dean's thoughts filled their ears again.  
'Fuck, my body hurts so bad. God, I need a shower.' Dean thought, glancing down at his own body in slight disgust.

Sam frowned but he tried to tell himself Dean felt that way after hunts, that it was nothing.

"Get out here, boy!" John's voice called.  
The door to the bathroom flung open and Dean cringed. John looked Dean up and down and took a step closer to his oldest son, and Dean took a step back.  
"W-w-what?" Dean asked shakily.  
"Sammy went out for some after school thing." John scoffed. "Wanted to remind you that Sammy doesn't need to know anything."  
'Yeah, it is better to keep Sammy in the dark... I guess.' Dean thought.

Sam felt his stomach flip. 'Fuck, did they do this to me my whole life?' Sam wondered.

"Yessir, Sam won't know." Dean said in the firmest voice he could muster.  
"Good boy." JOhn grinned.  
For some reason, to both men, John's grin seemed much more vile, eviler than it usually did. John's hand shot out and gave Dean's ass a smack, like he was flirting with a drunk bartender. Dean cringed and kept his mouth shut and John walked away, leaving Dean with tears running down his face.


	3. Screams that cannot be heard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get deep

Outside of dean's memories -  
Castiel watched his friend, the Righteous man, Michael's vessel, Dean Winchester. Whatever name you call him, he was withering away and there was nothing he could do about it.  
Deans body was being forced by a machine to intake oxygen and to keep his heart beating. His brain still worked, but that seemed to be all that did. Deep down, Castiel believed this to be the end of his friend; Winchesters weren't easy to kill, but it can happen and he was sure this was what was going to happen.

~ Back inside Dean's memories ~  
Bobby sighed in relief as they landed in one of Dean's happy memories, he wasn't sure if Sam could take another back to back sad fest. The Dean they saw was young, maybe five and was in a park with a baby, one year old Sammy, in his lap. Dean was perched at the top of one of the smallest slides at the park and went down, Sammy squealing happily as Dean laughed at the baby's happiness.

"Why do all his happy memories have to be because of me? Why-why can't he be happy by himself?" Sam wondered softly.  
"Because, you're his Sam. You've been ever since John put ya in Dean's arms that night and even now you still are, son." Bobby explained, staring at the small Dean.

Dean picked Sammy up and went back up the small stairs and back to the top of the small slide and down again. The process continued, because Sam kept squealing in delight; and if Sam was happy, Dean would try his damnedest to keep going.

"It's just not fair." Sam sighed.  
"Life ain't fair, Sam. You should know that by now." Bobby reminded him knowingly.  
"Still. Why Dean? Why did Dean have to get this crap show as a life? Why couldn't he have gotten the pony rides and rich family?" Sam practically begged, wanting to know why.  
"Fate doesn't know fairness, Sam. She just deals the cards." Bobby said like the wise old man he was.

"Well, fuck her." Sam grumbled.  
Bobby offered a sad smile and they turned back to watch Dean play with little Sammy.  
Sam didn't want to leave this memory, he wanted to stare at Dean's smiling face until the end of time; but Dean was dying and they were burning daylight.  
"Let's go to the next one." Sam said softly.  
Bobby nodded and they landed in a new memory. Dean was around eight, and had a bruise on his neck and arms. He was walking around a Seven-11, looking for someone with enough sympathy to give him some free chips.  
Sam remembered when Dean was this old, he remembered that Dean always said he fell a lot and had bruises from "falling". Dean's eyes were brighter than they've been in a long time and his hair was the blondest it's ever been. A woman walked up to Dean, she was elderly but her eyes weren't normal, they had a hint of purple shining in them.

"Bobby! I think I found Caireen!" Sam shouted and Bobby turned to look at the woman.  
"Son of a bitch! She's approachin' a kid." Bobby said flabbergasted.  
"This doesn't seem right." Sam whispered.  
"What, why?" Bobby demanded.

Sam nodded towards Dean, who was happily accepting her strawberries and water.

"This isn't a sad memory, and it's too easy to be the memory that caused all this. Maybe-maybe he met her more than once?" Sam suggested.  
Bobby shrugged and they watched Caireen feed Dean and buy him a big stuffed animal.

"What are you going to name him?" She asked kindly.  
"Oh, he's not for me. He's for my baby brother, Sammy." Dean grinned. "He's gonna love it. Thank you, miss."

She frowned softly, like Dean had just told her the reason he had those bruises.  
"Sweetie, you know your dad can take care of Sammy. That isn't your job." She said softly.  
"No, Sammy's my responsibility." Dean said firmly.

They watched as she tried to gently sway the eight year old to look out for himself and not Sam, but Dean refused and after many thanks, he went back to the motel and gave Sam the big teddy bear.

"Happy birthday, Sammy!" Dean grinned as Sammy jumped up and down, hugging the toy.  
They landed in a new memory, one much worse than the ones they saw before. Dean was tied down to a bed and gagged. He couldn't have been older than ten and the tears that threatened to slip from his eyes were directed towards his dad.

"Holy shit." Bobby muttered.

"What the fuck is he doing?!" Sam demanded, almost frantic.  
"Sam, this is a memory, calm down." Bobby tried to say kindly.  
"That means he did this to him, Bobby! And Dean- Dean worshiped the ground he walked on! That bastard hurt him!" Sam roared.

In front of them, John beat Dean's naked skin with a cane. The scene reminded Bobby of BDSM, only this wasn't consensual. Dean whimpered as John sent the cane down hard on Dean's tiny, young cock. Dean screamed through the gag.  
"HAFF SHOF! 'WEASE!" Dean screamed around the gag. But what he was really saying was "DAD STOP! PLEASE!" and hearing it in Dean's mind was ten times worse.

"GET OFF HIM!" Sam spat and tried to lunge at John, only to slip right through the memory.  
"Sam, you can't do anything. I-it's just a memory boy." Bobby whispered softly.  
"He sexually abused my big brother, Bobby." Sam growled.  
"You can't change the past." Bobby tried to reason.

"Doesn't make it right." Sam snapped.  
"No, it doesn't. But we can't help what happened." Bobby told him.  
"Well, we should have known. You should have known and stopped him." Sam said accusingly.  
"You're closer to Dean than I'll ever be, idjit. you think he told me?" Bobby scoffed.  
"You're right. sorry." Sam sighed.

"It's okay boy, this is got to be hard for you."  
"It is."  
And they quickly moved on.

The next memory wasn't old, no it was rather new. Dean was probably 29 and was downing drinks at a bar.  
"What's wrong with you tonight, sugar?" The bartender asked, giving Dean another shot.  
"Don't worry bout me, sweets." Dean smiled.

'Yeah, like I'm gonna tell a bartender I'm here because I fucked my brother while going undercover in prison.' Dean snorted in his head.

Sam blushed remembering when they got themselves put in prison on purpose to work a case and after someone tried to make a move on Sam, Dean fucked him in the showers in front of the other inmates to show he owned him. Sam was ashamed to admit it felt good and he had wanted more, but Dean felt the same.

"Girl trouble?" The bartender pushed gently.  
"You could call it that." Dean shrugged.  
'Sammy would just love knowing I told some random bartender he was my girl.' Dean thought sarcastically.  
"Well, don't worry honey. If she's smart, she'll keep you." The bartender said with a wink.


	4. Down the drain

A new memory surrounded Bobby and Sam. "Balls! Damn angel wasn't lying when he said it would be hard to find." Bobby growled. "We'll find it, Bobby. Calm down." Sam commanded. Bobby rolled his eyes with a frustrated huff and turned to watch the scene before him. Dean was four and in daycare, smiling brightly as his whole class sang "you are my sunshine". The parents were there to watch, and Bobby and Sam spotted John and a heavily pregnant Mary. Sam couldn't peel his eyes off his mom, who was cheering louder than any of the other moms. When Dean's class finished singing, Dean was scooped up into the strong arms of John Winchester. "Daddy! Did you like it?" Dean asked excitedly. "I loved it, you were great, buddy." John grinned. "You did amazing, Deano. I'm so proud of you!" Mary beamed, kissing her son's cheek. "Did Sammy like it?" The toddler asked, putting his hands on Mary's belly. "He loved it, can you feel him kicking? He wants you to sing more." Mary smiled. So Dean sang as his parents walked him to the impala. "I can't believe Dean was ever sappy." Sam chuckled, a smile firm on his face. "Oh, cut him some slack, ya idjit." Bobby said with no heat. They smiled contently as Dean sang all the way home, just for Sammy. The memory changed and Dean was sixteen, crying in shame. Sam looked around the room and saw himself, his twelve year old self jerking off on an old couch. He flushed in embarrassment. "Oh god, this is so embarrassing!" Sam whined "Yeah, yeah. Now hush." Bobby rolled his eyes. Dean had shame written all over his face as he cupped his own dick and gave it a jerk. A tear of shame hit the floor, Dean's sob was muffled by Sammy's moan. "Deeeean." Sammy moaned, tugging faster at his growing prick. "Dear lord, its like I walked into a porno." Bobby scoffed, shaking his head. Dean's cock became impossibly harder as his brother called out his name. 'I am so disgusting.' Dean thought. 'Lusting after Sammy like this, God I'm going to Hell.' Sam gulped. He'd had a crush on Dean most of his life. "Can this memory end now?" Bobby complained loudly. Sam shrugged and Dean ran away in shame, calling himself awful names. Then, the memory changed. An eighteen year old Dean was laying in a field. The stars were sparkling, bright and beautiful. Sam and Bobby exchanged looks before moving closer. Dean was by himself, singing Stairway to Heaven softly as he stared at a star that was shining brighter than all the rest. 'Mom?' Dean's thoughts blared in the intruders' ears. "At least it's a good memory." Bobby muttered. But Sam wasn't listening. He was staring at Dean's young, broken face. His eyes showed no youth, just broken innocence. The memory changed again, and eighteen year old Sam was screaming. "I can't stand another minute with you people!" He screamed. "I'm going to Stanford no matter what you say!" Sam thought back to this night and didn't say anything as Bobby put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Like hell you are, Samuel!" John snarled. "You're a hunter, boy. You don't get the apple pie life." "I can do whatever I damn well please. Dean, back me up!" Sammy whined. Dean froze like a deer in headlights. John stared at him like he was looking at trash that he wanted burned. 'Oh fuck, oh fuck! Why did you have to say that, Sammy?' Dean thought urgently. ""Sam, please- " but Dean was cut off. "Did you know about this?!" John roared at his eldest. Sam didn't remember John sounding this disgusted with Dean, but he had a sickening feeling it was because at the time he didn't care. "N-no sir!" Dean hiccuped. But Sam was already half way out the door. "SAMUEL, IF YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR DON'T YOU EVER COME BACK!" John hollered. But Sam left. He left Dean alone. John turned to Dean, like Dean being there was just rubbing salt in his wounds. "You little fucker! You did this, you motherfucking fagot!" John spat. Dean visibly flinched and both hunters gritted their teeth at watching the memory. "John was a bastard." Bobby muttered. Sam nodded, thinking about Bobby's tone. I wasn't fury, it was disgust and disappointment; at John. Bobby had never been at such ease talking shit about John before now. Dean just kept his head down. 'I wanna disappear' Dean's thoughts screamed.


	5. What doesn't kill you puts you in therapy

The next memory was very much, a kick in the nards for Bobby. He watched himself scream and curse at John, unaware that an eight year old was in the corner of the room.

 

"You're an utter piece of shit, John Winchester! Draggin' those kids through this hell hole!" Memory Bobby shouted.

"I'm doing what's best for my kids." John huffed.

"Bull shit! You're an abusive fucker; you think I don't see those bruises on Dean?! You're gonna ruin that boy, you son of a bitch!" Memory Bobby hollered.

"He's already damaged goods, it doesn't matter anymore." John snarled.

"That was your doing, you bastard! He's just a baby you, idjit!"

 

'Was I bad?' Dean wondered.

In Dean's head, his father's words replayed like a tape.

Damaged goods.

Damaged goods.

Damaged goods.

Damaged goods.

 

The little boy shook his head and ran up the stairs. He threw himself on the bed and begged to a non-existent source.

"I don't wanna be damaged goods. I want my mommy back." The boy sobbed.

 

As the scenery changed, Sam's heart hurt. He couldn't imagine what it was like for Dean. It had to have hurt, hearing that.

"I'm sorry I did that." Bobby sighed.

"Bobby, you didn't know he was there." Sam said softly.

"But he heard it, and it hurt him, I'm just another bastard that let your brother down, Sam. And I never wanted to be on that list." Bobby said gruffly.

"But you always tried to do good by him. You loved Dean more than my dad ever did." Sam told him.

“That doesn’t change that I may as well have shot him down and poured salt in his wounds, Sam. I swore I’d never be like John, I swore I’d never make that boy hurt the way John made Dean hurt. But I did, Sammy. I’m no better than yer daddy.” Bobby croaked.

“Don’t ever compare yourself to him, Bobby. You were more of a father to us than he ever was. Do I gotta scream it from the roof tops?” Sam demanded.

“Sam, just… Let’s just go onto the next memory. I don’t wanna look at this no more.” Bobby sighed.

Sam nodded softly and the memory changed. Dean was an adult, it was the Dean before he went to hell. He was sitting on a bench next to Ben Braeden, Lisa’s son, from the Changeling case. The little boy was looking at a group of boys pathetically, his DS case empty.

“Did they take your game?” Dean asked.

“Yeah.” Ben sighed.

“Do you want me to go over and-“Ben interrupted Dean.

“No! Only bitches send a grown up, and I am not a bitch.” Ben said seriously.

Dean snorted happily and told Ben how to get his DS back. The little boy followed Dean’s instructions and went up to group of boys and ended up kneeing the leader in the balls and taking his DS back. Sam felt almost overwhelmed with happiness when he saw the look on Dean’s face as Ben ran back over and high fived his brother.

 

“I didn’t even know this happened.” Sam breathed.

“Well, it made him happy. Sometimes keeping a good memory to yourself makes it more special.” Bobby offered.

 

The memory changed and Dean was a teenager, at a bar, where he obviously wasn’t supposed to be. Dean was getting wasted by two hot, older girls and their punk-rock friends. The group was edgy and very much 1970’s, Sex Pistols punkish. One of the guys was in plaid pants, a Sex Pistols T-shirt, a tattoo that said “Fuck authority” and a safety pin in his nose. That guy was flirting with Dean the hardest, and while shit-faced, Dean was enjoying it, flirting back drunkenly.

 

The memory seemed pretty until John Winchester showed up, ruining the party.

“Dean Winchester! The fuck do you think you’re doing?!” John roared.

Bobby flinched, having seen John act like that to Dean too many times before he even entered Dean’s noggin. Sam stared; still horrified and wanting to believe this was all fake, but knowing there was no way this could be made up.

“Sorry sir.” Whispered the guy with the safety pin in his nose.

John grabbed Dean's elbow and yanked him up, dragging him out of the bar. The two hunters followed.

 

“Dad, I’m sorry. Please, please don’t hurt me.” Dean drunkenly sobbed.

“Boy, you’ll wish it was that simple when I’m done with you.” John snarled, and his fist connected with Dean’s jaw.

“Now your little faggot jaw can take more, don’t try to fool me ya little queer!” John snarled.

Dean tried to scamper away, but was thrown into a brick wall for trying to leave. John spat and shouted, but Sam’s eyes couldn’t leave John’s hands as they stripped Dean of his clothes and his dignity. John’s belt unbuckled and Dean screamed.

“Dad, no please!” He cried, only to be ignored and have a cock shoved in his mouth.

Sam tried to look away, but he needed to watch. Bobby thought he was going to puke, watching Dean gag around his father’s dick, John just ignored his son and thrusted away.

 

Dean cried and tried to fight back, but it was no use.

John got bored of Dean’s mouth and dragged his son up, ripping Dean’s jeans off him.

“Dad, no! No!” Dean pleaded, trying to protect himself one last time.

John just snarled and threw Dean onto the cold, hard ground and tore a hole in Dean’s boxers. Dean cried and sobbed into his arms as John lined up and shoved himself into his son. Sam would have puked if he had anything left in his stomach, watching his brother jerk violently under their father’s thrusts.

 

John was ruthless, roaring and spitting as Dean bled, torn from lack of prep and begging for it to end. Dean’s face was smashed into te ground again, causing Dean’s head to bleed and eye to swell.

“Please.” Dean whimpered.

“Shut it, you fag!” John spat, ejaculating into Dean, who sniffed in humiliation.

John pulled out and zipped himself back up, leaving Dean alone and hurt. 


	6. Little Boys With Too Much Responisblity

Sam waited to see Caireen or a purple light, but it never came and the memory changed.

“What?! How is that not his worst memory, how could this not be the memory where she put this curse on him?!” Sam demanded loudly.

“I guess he has worse memories, boy.” Bobby said reluctantly, like he couldn’t even think of anything worse.

“Worse? Bobby, I just watched my dad rape my brother. How can anything be worse?” Sam asked, his voice cracking.

“I don’t wanna know.” Bobby answered softly.

 

Sam sighed and nodded, starting to notice his surroundings. They were in an old motel, and it appeared to be Christmas time. He could see snow falling from the window and then saw the door open, Dean stepping in.

The Dean that stepped in was the Dean right before hell.

“Hey.” Sam heard himself say.

 

“Oh my god, Bobby I remember this. This was our last Christmas before Dean went to hell.” Sam told him.

“I didn’t know it was something special.” Bobby shrugged.

“It wasn’t. It was shitty and we had to kill gods that night. I mean, we gave each other crap gifts.” Sam told him as the slightly younger version of Sam and Dean opened their presents.

 

“Ah, skin mags! And… shaving cream!” Younger Sam laughed.

“You like?” Dean asked, a smile on his face.

‘Man, I hope he likes it. I know it’s shit, but I want him to like it. I want him to be happy.’ Dean thought.

“I love it.” Younger Sam told his brother.

 

“God, now I feel like an ass.” Sam grumbled to Bobby.

“How were you supposed to know it was important to Dean? You wouldn't have known, it’s okay Sam.” Bobby told him sincerely.

 

Sam smiled in gratitude as Dean cheered about his presents, taking a bite of the food Younger Sam had bought him. They could tell this was one of the good memories as the boys turned on the football game and sipped their eggnog.

“I’m glad we get to see a happy memory after that mess we just saw.” Bobby answered, relived.

“Yeah, me too.” Sam agreed.

 

~ Outside Dean’s head ~

Castiel was beginning to wonder how much longer it would take his friends to find the memory, he was going to go in after five more hours to talk to them. They needed to get going if they wanted any hope of saving Dean before the only thing keeping him alive would be the machines.

 

Castiel knew Caireen was a powerful Goddess and her power was not to be belittled and ignored. It wouldn’t be much longer before Caireen’s spell took hold and looking through Dean’s memories would be no good.

 

They needed the memory to call off Caireen, to tell her that this was no longer the issue.

That Dean wasn’t dealing with that anymore, that things were better. They had to look her in the eye and tell her and tell her what she was doing was wrong. It sounded too simple, but it would work.

 

~ Back inside Dean’s memories ~

Sam and Bobby watched as a teenage Dean made out with a cheerleader in a closet, one of his better memories again.

“Dear Lord was your brother a horny little son of a bitch.” Bobby laughed.

“You could say that.” Sam said with a chuckle.

 

The memory changed and Sam saw himself drinking from a sippy cup, maybe four years old. Dean was sitting next to the toddler, watching over him like a guardian angel.

“You like your apple juice, Sammy?” Dean asked.

Sammy nodded, slurping happily from the sippy cup. “It’s yummy, De!” Sammy said with his mouth full of plastic nipple.

“Good.” Dean said happily, smoothing down Sammy’s hair.

 

“God, you idjits were adorable. Too bad you grew up.” Bobby smiled.

Sam rolled his eyes and flipped off the older man.

“Screw you.” Sam teased.

 

John stepped into the room, causing Dean to tense up a bit as did adult Sam. John walked up to his boys and ruffled Sammy’s hair. Dean tensed more, as if he wanted to bite John’s hand off for touching Sammy.

“Hey Deano, you taking good care of Sammy?” John asked, massaging the back of Sammy’s neck.

Dean nodded stiffly, his lip tight between his teeth, bleeding from the pressure. Dean appeared ready to pounce any second. Sam half believed he did because he doesn’t remember this happening.

“Good boy, Dean. Hey Sammy, why don’t you come nap in Daddy’s room?” John offered.

“No!” Dean screamed.

John froze dangerously, he ground his teeth angrily. Sam saw John clench his fist and began to worry for his brother, for himself.

“And why is that Dean?” John asked a deadly tone dripping off his words.

“Sammy can have my bed.” Dean offered.

John nodded, as if understanding.

“I see, you see Sammy as your baby and you don’t want him hurt.” John grinned evilly.

Sam swallowed hard, did Dean let this happen to save him?

Dean nodded sharply and John put Sam down, giving Dean an evil smile before leaving.

 

“That sick perverted bastard.” Bobby swore.

Sam didn’t say anything, just allowed the scene to change. They found themselves in a high school, a seventeen year old Dean sitting in a chair in the front office. Dean had a hood up and was staring at the ground as John Winchester came in.

 

“I’m John Winchester, Dean’s dad. I heard the principal wanted to talk to me?” John asked.

Dean looked up and Bobby winced. The boy’s face was black and blue, his lip was split in two places, his eyes were swollen and purple, his jaw was bruised, his cheeks were an ugly shade of purple. It looked like Dean lost a fight with a monster truck.

“Ah yes, Mr. Winchester. It’s good to meet you, I’m Dean’s principal, Jonathan Carter, come this way, you too Dean.” The principal commanded.

 

Dean followed behind his father and principal like an obedient yet terrified puppy. Sam noticed that he didn’t look any different than Dean did in his rape memory.

John and Dean sat down, John playing the calm parent role like he was born to fake it.

“What’s this about, Mr. Carter?” John asked.

“It has come to our attention that Dean isn’t looking very well.” Mr. Carter began, gesturing to Dean’s messed up face. “We were just wondering if you could confirm Dean’s story.”

John forced back panic, but the two hunters could see it.

“Dean snuck out and fell; he hit the concrete and hurt his face.” John lied.

“Funny, Dean told us he was hiking over the weekend and fell, hit several trees on the way down. Woke up in the hospital.” Carter called him out on his lie.

“What is this really about, Carter? I gotta get back to work.” John hissed.

“We’re worried you’re abusing Dean.” The principal dead panned.

“Did Dean say I was?” John asked, his voice like ice.

“No, but-“John cut him off.

“Than I didn’t do anything. If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got places to be.” And like that John walked out.

 

Bobby blinked and let the next memory begin.

“Sam, I think we’re getting close to the memory.” Bobby breathed.

“I know. I’m just… I’m scared I won’t be able to handle seeing it happen.” Sam sighed.

“Boy, I hate to have to be the one to say this to you, but dammit Sam! I know it hurts to watch these, believe me, I know. But this aint about us, it’s about Dean, and frankly, we gotta get over ourselves.” Bobby told him firmly.

Sam bit his lip and nodded


	7. Singing Baby Come Home In A Melody Of Tears

In the new memory, Dean was at a bar. It was a very average looking bar, expect for the fact that Dean was being followed around the bar by two biker dudes.

 

‘Man, I hope these dicks leave me alone.’ Dean thought bitterly.

“Oh dear lord.” Bobby sighed.

Dean looked about twenty-one; Sam was at Stanford at this time. Dean’s hair was a mess, like he hadn’t been awake for days.

“Hey baby, how about you let us buy you a drink?” The guy with braces, even though he was an adult, said.

“No thanks, man. I can pay for my own.” Dean said politely, ordering himself another round.

“That wasn’t a question, sweet cheeks.” The guy with the blonde hair hissed, grabbing Dean’s ass.

“Whoa! Listen boys, this ain’t no fucking peep show, get off me.” Dean snarled.

 

Sam and Bobby watched as years of sexual, verbal and physical abuse flashed in Dean’s eyes. Sam  **almost** felt bad for these guys.

 

“How about we take this out back, sexy.” Braces winked, grabbing Dean by the shoulder and dragging him out of the bar.

Dean hadn’t had that much to drink and was sober, while his two attackers were shitfaced and looked like they didn’t know how to tie their own shoes.

“Why don’t you bend over before we make you, slut.” Blonde spat.

Dean grinned and punched the guy right in the jaw, the force of the punch sending him stumbling back. Braces ran up to Dean and Dean kneed him right in the crotch before punching him in the throat. Blondie came back, earning a kick in the liver and a punch to the side of the head.

Once both of Dean’s attackers were down, Dean ran. He ran away as fast as he could.

 

“Damn.” Bobby whistled.

“I knew Dean was gonna do that.” Sam said forcefully.

“Don’t matter if you knew or not, we were both worried.” Bobby pointed out.

Sam frowned, knowing it was true. The next memory flashed and Dean was alone, panicking.

‘Oh God, where’s Sammy?’ Dean thought urgently, pulling at his hair.

 

“This was flagstaff.” Sam said bitterly.

“You sure scared him.” Bobby nodded.

 

The door swung open and it came John. Sam snarled at his father, wanting the man to suffer all the pain that Dean had to feel due to him.

“You let Sam leave?!” John screeched.

“No! He ran away in the middle of the night! I swear, I didn’t do anything sir.” Dean vowed.

“You still let him leave! You piece of shit!” John roared, punching Dean in the face.

 

“Don’t touch him, you fucker!” Sam screamed, knowing it was no good.

 

Dean whimpered and John cut open Dean’s shirt.

“Now look at what you done, boy! You made me angry and frustrated. You been bad, Dean! You need to be punished!” John snarled.

With that, John pulled out a cane from seemingly nowhere and whacked Dean’s chest with it, making him groan in pain. John stripped Dean from the waist down and began to beat his cock, balls and ass.

“Dad, stop!” Dean cried.

“Shut up, boy!” John spat, literally, spitting all over Dean.

He kept beating Dean with the cane till John was nice and hard, before he pried Dean’s legs apart.

“No! Stop it!” Dean screamed.

“No.” John hissed and pushed in, no prep, no lub, just pushed his way in.

Dean’s ass tore and he screeched.

“SOMEBODY HELP!” He yelled, only to have John shove his bloody boxers into his mouth to silence him.

“No one’s gonna help you boy. No one!” John shouted as he thrusted hard.

John finished quickly, leaving to go to bar. Dean threw himself onto the floor and curled into himself, crying.

 

“No need to cry, little soldier.” The soft voice of Caireen breathed.

 

Sam froze.

“Bobby! This is it! This is the memory!” Sam cried happily.

 

“My dad hurt me.” Dean sobbed.

“I know sweet heart, and I want to make it all better. Come with me and I’ll give you back your childhood, I’ll let you be happy. I’m the protector of children Dean, and I need to protect you.” Caireen told him lovingly, cleaning him up and with the snap of her fingers.

“I can’t. If I go he’ll do this to Sammy.” Dean cried, shaking his head.

“You’re a child, Dean. A child doesn’t need to worry about younger children. I’ll protect Sammy too, but you need to let me protect you first.” She said soothingly.

“I’m sorry, but… I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.” Dean sniffed.

“Dean, if you change your mind, ever, pray to me and I will fix you.” She whispered before leaving

Sam and Bobby jumped out of Dean’s memories when Castiel came to get them.

“Take us to her, Cas. We’re ready.” Sam panted angrily, cracking his knuckles.

“You found the memory, I take it.” Cas said stupidly.

“Yeah, feathers, we did. Now take us to Caireen so we can get her to take Dean out of this coma. What happens if he doesn’t wake up anyway, what’s this spell doing to him?” Bobby demanded.

“It softly and gently heals his soul and brings it to the body of a newborn, so he’ll get the childhood he rightfully deserved, Bobby Singer.” The sweet voice of Caireen spoke.

 

The men and angel spun around to get a look at her. She looked beautiful, yet motherly, like a Goddess of children would. Her eyes spoke kindness, yet they were purple.

 

“Caireen, we need you to take Dean out of this coma. I know you’re trying to help him, and you’re right he deserved the best childhood ever, and he still deserves it. But he’s my brother, and he needs us like we need him. We love him, Caireen, and he’s not being raped anymore. John is dead, he can’t abuse Dean anymore.” Sam said sadly but firmly.

“This man deserves a life time of rest, Sam Winchester. His soul is tired and hurt, he deserves a life where he isn’t haunted by the fact he cannot see his son, or having been abused, or remember his own abuser’s dead body. He deserves it.” She replied promptly.

“You’re right, he does. But I guess I’m selfish, because I can’t let him leave. I need him, maybe more than he needs me.” Sam whispered, his voice and lip trembling.

“You are one lucky man, Sam Winchester. To have had a brother like Dean, to have been protected, to have landed yourself on my good side.” She stated, and with the move of her hand, Dean let out a gasp for breath.

 

“Dean!” Sam cried, running to his brother’s side.

“Sammy? Man, I had this weird dream where you were memory surfing in my brain with Bobby and you saw- Oh shit, was it real?!” Dean demanded.

 

Sam just kissed his brother in reply. The kiss was loving and sweet, nothing like John’s commanding and harsh kisses. Dean kissed back, because this was the only answer he needed.


End file.
